Friday, September 7, 2007

Ban the Grays!

Today, I'd like to talk about gray hair, and its implications for our society.

It is well-known that people with gray hair are more likely to die than people who do not have gray hair. Gray-haired people are more likely to die of heart-attacks and cancer than other people. They are more likely to suffer from Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, rheumatoid arthritis, and cataracts than other people. A person with gray hair is less likely to survive a cold or flu virus than other people, and more likely to break a hip than other people.

There are also social implications for people with gray hair. Those who are not gray-haired are often unwilling to date gray-haired people, and often express disgust at the idea of two gray-haired people having sex. They have a harder time finding a new job than other people, and they are often not welcome at popular dance clubs. Adding to our social burden is the fact that we are experiencing an epidemic of gray hair that has never before existed in the world. There are now significantly more gray-haired people than there were even twenty years ago, and there's no end in sight to the growth of their numbers.

There are some obvious solutions here. First, it should be determined whether the person is tolerant of hair dye. If we can make insurance companies cover the cost of hair dye, it will make that person's hair no longer gray. Sure, it grows back, but that's why doctors need to keep a close eye on patients' roots and get them to dye their hair regularly.

For those who aren't tolerant of the chemicals in hair dye, depiliation may be an answer. Shaving can remove gray hair as it crops up, and for stubborn cases, whole-head electrolysis might be necessary. It's painful, but absolutely necessary in the face of an epidemic. While female gray-hairs may experience shame at the loss of hair, they need to be reminded that this is for their own good, and that there are always wigs. Insurance should NOT, however, pay for wigs, because they are not necessary for health purposes, and if we go around handing out wigs to these people, they'll think that it's okay to get gray hair; after all, hey, free wig!

These solutions are temporary, of course, until more research is done into the mechanisms by which hair goes gray, leading perhaps to medications to prevent gray hair. If we can find triggers that occur in early childhood, we can possibly lace baby formula with the necessary building blocks to prevent gray hair from growing in the future. Also, since it is commonly recognized that stress causes gray hair, those who engage in stressful activities should be denied health insurance and have their pay docked so that everyone else isn't funding their bad behavior. We should give out rewards to people who are living stress-free lives, and punish those who are not.

Makes sense to me!


LavaLady said...

Brilliant post. I laughed out loud (and then was really mad that people actually think this way about the "scourge" of fat).

Michelle said...

Love it!!! Good laugh and think for the beginning of the day!!

Ruth said...

Aw, crap. And just as I'm going gray, too!


Vive42 said...

hey! free wig! i'm gonna go grey asap now!

vesta44 said...

LOL. My mother started getting gray in her 30's, I'm just now getting gray (a few here and there) in my 50's. My hubby is mostly gray and has been for the last 10 years or so (he's 51).
Sounds like we all need wigs.

Harriet Brown said...

Great post!