Friday, March 7, 2008

Attraction isn't just about appearance

When you tie your worth to your appearance, you are obligated to maintain that worth by ensuring that those of "lesser" appearance remain devalued. Those who could be allies and support become enemies.

When your self-worth depends on attracting men--and lots of them, what happens when you stop attracting them? Also, will you be able to remain faithful in a monogamous relationship if you constantly crave attention from multiple men?

Here's a (not so) secret: Fat acceptance proponents aren't seeking to force all men to find us attractive. Or any men. We ARE trying to keep those who do find us attractive (yes, folks, they do exist) from being shamed and ridiculed. Tell me, why DO you care so much what your buddy's girlfriend looks like anyway? Leave him alone, and let him be happy. Maybe you can't imagine being attracted to that person, but that doesn't matter. His preferences aren't your issue; your friends don't have to date people that you are attracted to. Hell, they're better off NOT doing so, for that matter.

It surprises me when haters go "Neener neener good luck having someone be interested in you, like I have got!" I'm married, you know. I was fat when we got married, and fat when we first met. I am very happy with him, and he is happy with me. I have no reason to attract "all men in the world" because I only care about one man being interested in me--and I've got him. He didn't have to be "forced" to love me, or clubbed over the head, or drugged, or anything; he was naturally attracted to me, and we happened to be compatible in other ways as well.

If anything, the fatophobes would seek to force him to NOT be attracted to me, because it upsets them to know that there's more to it than being thin.


Maria said...

every single word of this post i wholeheartedly agree on.

It disturbs me that people think that one, narrow body type (pun not intended) is the only feasible attractive shape people can take. and that it matters way more than personality/chemistry in choosing a mate.

It does a whole ton of damage to everyone to think that, and im convinced our whole societies thinking is dreadfully skewed in placing physical attractiveness in so high accord, and causing many problems for it. Don't even get me started. :P

Mercurior said...

yes men who adore the curvy do exist, i am one of them. i too am married. and i have everything i have ever needed in a woman.

Why would i even want to go anywhere else.

Brigid Keely said...

My husband and I flirted and almost-dated for over a month before he finally asked me out. He is not attracted to fat women in general, but he is attracted to me. He's faced a LOT of opposition from friends, family, and strangers about his choice to be with someone he finds funny, charming, supportive, caring, and beautiful. I highly doubt he'd have faced that level of opposition if I'd been brunette instead of blonde, very tall, underweight, missing a leg, or physically different in some other way. As you've said, I've no interest in the male world beating a path to my fat door; I am interested in being able to live my romantic life as unharrassed as possible.

Mrs.Millur said...

When we did marriage preparation classes, we were asked to look at our partner and "imagine how they might change, and what they might look like in another 10, 20, 30 years".

We were pretty sure I'd (still) be fat and he'd (still) have acne.

We're only 10 years in- but our predictions so far hold true. And he still makes my heart race, and I his. How sad it must be for couples who worry that the slightest change in their body over the years will flip some switch from 'hot' to 'not' in the mind of the person they love.

Rebecca said...

Yeah, that: "Good luck convincing every man in the United States to find you attractive" line made me laugh. Why would I want every man in the country to find me attractive? What would I do with all those men? I have one man who thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world (inside and out) and that's really quite enough for me.

Tari said...

This idea that not hating fatties is the same thing as wanting to sleep with them just cracks me up. Speaks volumes about how sad some people's values systems are that the only possibilities are hatred and lust.

When it comes to physical attraction (shockingly NOT the only thing that matters in a relationship), I have really specific taste. I wouldn't criticize anyone for defining hot in whatever way they do. It's just that my experience has been that it's an individual thing, and not standard across all genders and sexual orientations.