Wednesday, May 30, 2007

About my wonderful spouse

People kept asking me if I was nervous at my wedding. I really just wasn't. I knew I had a crack team of decorators, organizers, and sous chefs. I knew that the musicians were capable. I knew that everyone would behave themselves (I had a family wedding once where there was a fistfight!).

And I knew that marrying Brian was, without ANY doubt, exactly the right thing to do. Before my previous marriage, I was very nervous about binding myself to someone. I was very unsure of myself before and during the ceremony. We didn't have a perfect relationship at that time, but it wasn't awful, like it eventually became. Even so, I had doubts, and I even almost cried during the ceremony because I was afraid.

Loving Brian is a very easy and natural thing to do. I trust him to care for me, to be good to me. I know that he will put me first, always, and I don't EVER have to be afraid of him. He gives me the freedom to explore my interests, and encourages me to pursue the things that matter. He is a true helpmate. I know that I will never be screamed at for not having dinner ready, for not having folded his clothes for him, for asking for sex, or for being ill. I know that does not resent me in any way. He is happy and thankful to be with me. He enjoys spending time with me. He enjoys being physically affectionate with me. He will NEVER complain or say no if I want him to kiss me, touch me, or otherwise be affectionate.

I think I had to know how bad things could be in order to appreciate the things most people take for granted. I would have expected that marriage should contain affection, love, sex, and mutual respect. Having experienced one that did not have those things, I now know how very lucky I am to have found this wonderful, beautiful man.

We very rarely fight. Sometimes I get crabby or get some anxiety, but those are the result of my being tired and/or in pain, and he is very patient with me in those times. We occasionally get frustrated with each other, but it's mostly over silly little things, like me being self-deprecating, or not wanting to inconvenience him with something (that he is willing to do), or I've adopted another snake. We do NOT insult one another. We do not threaten each other. We haven't set rules saying so; it is simply not something that we are really capable of doing to one another. For one of us to purposely hurt the other would cause pain to the self. It is unthinkable.

He is my Brian. He is the center of my universe, my hero, my beautiful man. No matter how crappy things get outside of that, having him makes it all worth it. He really is like an angel; he is very kind, and gentle, and loving. I don't know what I did to deserve someone like him, but I'm 100% devoted to him.

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