Friday, August 3, 2007

That's entertainment?!

My husband was watching a video posted on YouTube, some Japanese comedy skit with subtitles. It showed a fat man who happens to be seated next to a famous woman in a restaurant. The woman is being interviewed by someone who asks what kind of men she likes. She states that nice men are good, bad men are okay, but fatties are just disgusting. The interviewer agrees with her, and the fat guy almost cries right there.

Afterwards she apologizes, and gives the guy her autograph. Unbeknownst to her, she signed a magic book; if a person's name is written in the book, they almost instantly become fat.

Cue freshly fat woman breaking furniture as she balloons into approximately 275lbs. First the table explodes due to her expanding belly. Then her chair breaks, because that's what all chairs do when fat people are sitting on them. The fat guy then stumbles and breaks his own table into pieces by falling on it. The laugh track plays as both fat people fall over, legs in the air, because being fat makes you clumsy and unable to stand upright for more than five seconds.

My husband said, "That was just STUPID." He's a good man.

Now, I know this is going to come as a surprise to everyone, but I have never broken a table by bumping against it. I have never broken a chair with my gargantuan girth. I can actually stand upright for many minutes at a time without falling over such that my legs stick up in the air, and I am also capable of walking around without bumping into and breaking every stick of furniture in the place.

You might also be surprised to know that I eat only vegetarian food, usually with utensils and plates, instead of gobbling Big Macs by the dozen from a trough. When I am finished with a meal, and I am offered a tiny after-dinner mint, I do not actually explode in a disgusting mess of partially digested food. And, believe it or not, I have never crushed a thin person by sitting on them.

Imagine that.


Andee said...

"It's only wah-fer thin!" As much of a Python fan as I am, I hate that Mr. Creosote sketch. Although I have to say, I'd hate it even if Mr. Creosote wasn't fat; just too much puke for me. I got the point after the first two bucketloads, bleh.

Yeah, you know, every time I see some alleged comedy routine showing a fat person breaking furniture, I always wonder if they'd show 325-pound Shaq doing the same. I mean, the chair doesn't give a shit if that 325 pounds is fat or muscle, right?

One of the funnier twists on that, though, came on the old Bob Newhart Show, on an episode where he was "reinforcing" a chair he was expecting one of his heftier patients to sit on, and skinny little Suzanne Pleshette sat on the chair and broke it.


RioIriri said...

But don't you know? The universe has an innate aversion to fat molecules, and a chair or table will collapse and commit suicide if a 325 fat person sits on it! But for Shaq and his desirable muscle tissue, the chairs morph into body-hugging shapes just to be able to touch more of that wonderful, socially acceptable bod.

It's totally a fact!

Nancy Lebovitz said...

Maybe I'm too generous, but I feel as though it's a small step in the right direction--at least she's punished for hurting a fat person's feelings.

It might have been better if she were transported to the alternate universe where it's considered immoral and disgusting to be thin.

Harriet Brown said...

I love that idea!